"But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail."

It's been a pretty long time since I've posted, as my dear friend Matt O'hara has repeatedly reminded me of, along with my other dedicated readers (haha...not really.) But at first I thought that I just haven't written because I have been too busy, but honestly, I just realized that's not the case at all.

It's 1 AM on my first night back from Spring Break, and I was about to go to bed until I had crazy racing thoughts and felt lead to start writing.  I've had a lot of realizations today, one being that my dorm room is one of the only places where I can think clearly.  I've gone back and forth with this thought, but JMU really does feel like home to me, and it's because God is so present here.  And yeah I know He is present everywhere, but where have I spent the most intimate time in prayer and in the word and seen God move in the hearts of so many people? Here at school, in Harrisonburg.  And more specifically, I've had some sweet, sweet alone time with the Lord in my room, which is weird because it actually used to feel like the opposite, but we prayed, and God so obviously heard us and has again been faithful.

So another realization I had is that it's not that I've been too busy to post, I've been too scared.  I usually write about stuff I'm learning, and in the past it's been some pretty concrete stuff I can put words to, but for the past month or two, it's been really different.  I would like to say I haven't hid from it, because I've shared it with some people to a certain degree, but the reality of it is, it's so much more than I can express, and even I don't know what's going on, so I will write about it because that's what I'm better at.  And I am also going to share because I feel like I've cheated people out or been dishonest, which is funny because I am the biggest promoter on being open and real, and if there is one type of person I respect it is someone who is genuine, and I am sorry that I haven't been.

So here it goes: Basically for the past two months I have been completely broken/anxious/overwhelmed.  I was thinking about it today and literally on any given day I could cry, and contrary to what people believe and have seen in the past (YL placements...) I am not typically a crier.  I wish I could describe it better, but I literally can feel my heart beating out of my chest and the tears start to come when I start to really think about life, or pray, or read the bible.  I am at a point where I know how bad this world sucks, and it hurts, but I am also certain that this is exactly where God wants me.  I've wrestled with thoughts of thinking I am being "spiritually attacked" or like the enemy is up to something, which I am sure there is some truth to seeing that I am positive that my anxiety is not of the Lord; I have never been an anxious person.  I am also currently struggling with the basic concept of faith and viewing God as the Sovereign, Almighty God that He is.  It has been so hard for me to believe that He is in complete control and to ask for things accordingly, because I am fearful of disappointment.  But anyway, we are doing a Beth Moore study in small group called "Believing God" (very fitting to my life currently...ironic? probz not.)  Tonight she brought up what Jesus said to Peter in Luke 22:31-32, and I think it really relates to me and what I am experiencing.
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat.  But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."
Satan asked God for permission to uncover the weakness and sinfulness of Peter through his plan of sifting.  But Jesus didn’t ask God to spare Peter from being sifted by the devil; He asked only that in the face of the sifting that his faith may not fail. The point of Jesus’ prayer is not that Peter would not stumble or sin.  Jesus knew that Peter would struggle, but Jesus also knew that His prayer would be heard by the Father and that ultimately Peter would turn back.  His faith would not fail, and he would be able to strengthen his brothers again.

So whatever it is I am going through, I know God has allowed it to happen.  I used to be so desensitized to the brokenness, but now I really feel like God has allowed me to have a little glimpse into his heart and his eyes for the world.  However, there are definitely times where I let the discouragement and anxiety get the best of me.  I just check out, and sin and selfishness take over, I try to control my own life, and I can't see past my own little world.  But thankfully, I have been shown so much grace, so if you are someone who has loved me through this, thank you for sharing Jesus with me.  But every time this happens, I'm eventually brought back to the same answer.  I literally have nothing else.  I have absolutely nothing to offer to God or to anyone in my weakness, and I need Him.  And when I go to Him and respond to Jesus' call for me to simply come, I realize how much bigger God's world is than mine, and how much more perfect His will is than my own.

A friend shared this quote with me: "A true Christian knows the somberness and brokenness of the world but still carries an unspeakable joy around with them."
So I pray to God that I will never lose that joy, His joy.  And I trust that I won't, because Jesus Christ is my only hope, and He has prayed that my faith will not fail.

Valentine's Day!!!

Just kidding. I'm not actually gonna talk about Valentine's Day at all-I wouldn't do that. But I am gonna talk about love, the Agape kind of love :)

        I've had quite a few conversations recently about showing God we love him.  A friend asked: "At what point am I doing ministry, reading my bible, or praying because I love God or because it has become routine?" In response to this question, another friend said that when they find themselves thinking that, they think about what their life was like without God, which leads them to their realization of how they love God. After thinking about my life before Christ, I shared this with another friend who challenged me and asked if I only love God because of what He has done for me.

         At what point did I fall in love with the Lord? I think it was when I heard that He loved me for the first time ever. The reason the idea of Jesus was so attractive to me at age 16 was because I realized that He was literally the only person that I didn't have to prove anything to; that there was someone who loved me, and always did and always will love me, regardless of who I was or what I did or everything that I found my identity in.  That is why I decided I wanted to let him in and love Him back, because He loved me first.  So when I think, do I only love God because of what He has done for me...ultimately the answer is yes, because what He has done for me is love me, and "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

         Regarding how to show God we love him, someone suggested taking ourselves out of the equation.  They said don't think about what you can do for God, just think about the character of God himself, and I think that is exactly right.  What matters is that God sees me, a wretched sinner, and knows every single thing about me, and values me more than anyone on this earth ever could.  Naturally, there is NOTHING good about me, but God thinks of me as his treasured possession. "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession." (Deuteronomy 4:12) This is what sets the Lord's love apart.  And this is what I know about the Lord and His character, which fuels my love for Him.

         So I don't think there is an answer or formula to how we can show our love to God.  I currently dislike everything about formulas and structure, especially concerning my walk with the Lord because Christ has set me free and where is the freedom in that?! Anyway, I believe that the simplest response is to just think about the fact that God, the Creator of the universe and everything in it, loves ME.... that actually just made me laugh. But I know that it is true, and that is what compels me to live a life pleasing to God, or at least try to and mess up a whole lot. :)

"Always remember that God is easy to get along with, and if your heart is right, He is not too concerned about the formula. God is kind and good and gracious, because there are some of us that are just too hard to get along with.  If God were as hard to get along with as we are, there would be one perpetual quarrel between our souls and God. God has to be easy to live with, and if He knows you mean right, He will let you make all sorts of mistakes and not care."-A.W. Tozer (credz to mah gurl Joanna Rose)

Serious bomb on that one-sorry bout it!

Nine years ago...

I would say I am a people person. I like people a lot. I would even go as far as to say I think people are the most interesting creation in the entire universe.

I also enjoy talking. In fact, I can converse for hours on end, with pretty much anyone, because like I said, I like people.

However, I am particularly fond of a certain two girls. And I am particularly fond of conversing with these two girls.  They truly are the most beautiful, interesting people I know. I am genuinely blessed to have the two best friends I could ever ask for.

            Who would have thought that three 11 year old girls, coming from three different "rival" elementary schools, who were completely new to the chaos and drama of a middle schooler's life, would be best friends forever?  Although new to the wild jungle of the halls of Ridley Middle School, I'd say we caught on rather quickly, and together we learned to survive the heartbreaks and misdemeanors of a middle schooler's life. But the funny thing is, sometimes one of us accidently caused the heartbreak of another.  I can remember one specific night at a Ridley Park firehouse dance (if you don't know what that is, I'm not sure that you want to know) where my heart was broken into a million pieces as I watched my best friend kiss the boy I was "crushin badly" on.  And then, we had a sleep over afterwards.  Awkward? I think so.  And sometimes, one of us accidently ratted out the other.  Among the three of us was "the girl who never turned down a dare."  When the entire Language Arts class was together given the liberty of a "bathroom break," we couldn't simply go to the bathroom, return to class, then continue on with our work.  Naturally, we dared the infamous "never turn down a dare" girl to go into the boys' bathroom.  Little did we know that we were being watched by another authority figure, who proceeded to follow us into our classroom and tell our teacher that they saw one of us three enter through the door of the boys' bathroom.  When I was pointed out as the suspect, I came very close to putting the blame on my best friend and accurately identifying the true rule-breaker.  But more importantly, we made it through these little bumps in the roads of our friendships, clearly seen in the many memories formed from that same Language Arts class.  One time, we thought it would be a good idea to get up in front of the class and do a little performance to "The Little Mermaid."  However, though the two of them are quite talented clarinet players, not a single one of us has a voice that is aesthetically pleasing.  Or there was another time when our teacher became very frustrated with the lack of commas being used in essays and therefore drew the biggest comma I have ever seen in my life on the chalkboard.  You might not think it's that funny, but the three of us literally laughed out loud hysterically for 10 minutes straight.  So we may have been the three girls that received the report card comment from our first year homeroom teacher that said, "lacks self control," and we may have been the girls who got the phone call home to our parents about being too cliquey and leaving the other girls out, but it's where we are at in our lives right now that matters, right?

            And where we are now is not even close to where I thought we would be as 6th graders.  It's actually a miracle, and all I can say is that God is good. Today I got to spend a beautiful morning with Rebecca Concepcion and Meghan Geiser.  We decided to visit our dear friend, Jenna, at "The Bagel Hut" on Temple's campus.  As Meg drove us through Philly we joked about finally being able to travel places with just the three of us, seeing that we were/are the last people on earth to get our licenses. (only 10 more days Reb!)  When we got there, we were given the extremely generous gift of three free bagels and coffees! So we sat, ate, drank, and talked. We talked about the book of Genesis, about the theology behind it and what different religions believe and about the character of God.  It is so refreshing to talk to passionate people who have a thirst to learn and know more.  I'm currently going through Genesis because we are doing bible in a year as a Leadership for Young Life, and they both took bible/religion classes this past semester.  We all contributed different input, and it was very interesting to hear what each of us had learned at our respective colleges and with our personal experiences.  The three of us go to polar opposite schools.  Meg at Temple University, a medium sized diverse school in the busy city of Philadelphia; Reb at Azusa Pacific University, a smaller Christian, yet fairly liberal college (resort) in California; and me at James Madison University, a pretty big school with a bunch of conservative Virginians in the small town of Harrisonburg.  After lots of discussion, I think the one thing that stuck out to all of us is how redeeming God is throughout Genesis.  Even before Jesus came to earth, God was so redemptive in the lives of Noah, Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, and countless others and continuously blessed them with what they didn't at all deserve.  I generally write off God to be full of wrath throughout the Old Testament, but in reality He is loving and compassionate towards His people.  I was so encouraged as I sat next to Rebecca and Meghan and thought about the women we've all grown into. Granted, we still have our child-like vigor and/or immaturity at times.  For example, an elderly black man from the heart of North Philly asked Meg where a certain building was, and in her directions she explained the building "that looks like Hogwarts."  Or I could refer to how Rebecca and I, at the exact same time, called the Old Testament the "Old Testi." Oops.  But, as I reflect on our friendships and on the past 9 years of our lives from 6th grade until now, one thing that is so obviously apparent is that God has redeemed each one of us.  God is definitely good.

The adventures of Rebecca, Meghan, and Lindsay:

And Ms. Snyder never would have thought that one day...

 We'd be little NHS scholars,

 People would actually like us,

 Or that we would graduate!

eeeeeeeeek