COLLLEEEEGGGEEEE!!!

How do people have time to blog so often?! Maybe I just write too much.  Or maybe I view it as being separate from spending time with Jesus, but today I am going to incorporate it into my QT!

First I just want to talk about college.  Think about it-its literally the greatest thing anyone has ever thought up (I speak in absolutes and exaggerate way too frequently.)  I've probably been thinking about it a lot because we are almost juniors! 2 years=dunzo.  It's the simplest moments with friends and people I love dearly when I think, "When the heck else in my life am I going to get to live life like this?"  Simple times of doing work (hanging out) in Carrier Library, watching hockey games and dumb scary movies and getting the cops called because of Karaoke at Urban Exchange, going to Klines twice in one day when we all have tons of work to do, and the countless ridiculous conversations at D-hall.  We are so lucky!!! Actually, we are so blessed.  I am SO thankful for this community of amazing, fun, loving people.  I truly believe I have the best friends ever.  And I am SO thankful for this ministry.  Leading Young Life has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life (no exaggeration there) but the Lord has grown me in unimaginable ways and has given me the perfect picture of the body of Christ through my teammates. Maybe I'm just a college person, as Anthony told me yesterday, but on the real: these have been the best two years of my life, and I am so excited I have two more years.

The Lord has recently helped me express these thoughts through a revelation in Scripture:
"For the Lord thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills."
-Deuteronomy 8:7

God has delivered me from the sordidness of this world and has provided.  He has brought me into a GOOD, GOOD land where there are endless brooks of water and fountains that I can drink from and be satisfied!  I am just so THANKFUL.  He is so worthy of all of my praise.  I have been learning about the power of praise recently.  This past semester I have learned so much about the power of prayer in many dimensions from prayers being answered through God's faithfulness, to being built up in community by the hearts of others expressed through prayer, and to simply being completely broken and humbled before God in prayer because He is bigger and He deserves it.  But now, I think God is just asking me to PRAISE HIM.

In "Come Away my Beloved" I read something in a section called "Dynamos of Praise." It says: "Man has contemplated the power of faith and of prayer, but only rarely have I revealed to men this far greater power of praise.  For by prayer and faith doors are opened, but by praise and worship great dynamos of power are set in motion, as when a switch is thrown and an electric power plant such as Niagara is thrown into operation.  Praying for specifics is like requesting light for individual houses in various scattered places, while worshipping and praise flood the whole area with available current."

What a beautiful image.  Why do I ever doubt?  Why do I limit God and confine him to only what I can see in front of me?  God is good. I have known this truth for quite some time now, but this semester has taken a toll on the connection between my head and my heart.  But now I can say with confidence and from full belief in my heart that God is good.  I have every reason in the world to be joyful and thankful.  PTL people!!! ;)

Best Friends at Black&White Semi-Formal! I just LOVE THEM
...and I'm really verbal about it

"But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail."

It's been a pretty long time since I've posted, as my dear friend Matt O'hara has repeatedly reminded me of, along with my other dedicated readers (haha...not really.) But at first I thought that I just haven't written because I have been too busy, but honestly, I just realized that's not the case at all.

It's 1 AM on my first night back from Spring Break, and I was about to go to bed until I had crazy racing thoughts and felt lead to start writing.  I've had a lot of realizations today, one being that my dorm room is one of the only places where I can think clearly.  I've gone back and forth with this thought, but JMU really does feel like home to me, and it's because God is so present here.  And yeah I know He is present everywhere, but where have I spent the most intimate time in prayer and in the word and seen God move in the hearts of so many people? Here at school, in Harrisonburg.  And more specifically, I've had some sweet, sweet alone time with the Lord in my room, which is weird because it actually used to feel like the opposite, but we prayed, and God so obviously heard us and has again been faithful.

So another realization I had is that it's not that I've been too busy to post, I've been too scared.  I usually write about stuff I'm learning, and in the past it's been some pretty concrete stuff I can put words to, but for the past month or two, it's been really different.  I would like to say I haven't hid from it, because I've shared it with some people to a certain degree, but the reality of it is, it's so much more than I can express, and even I don't know what's going on, so I will write about it because that's what I'm better at.  And I am also going to share because I feel like I've cheated people out or been dishonest, which is funny because I am the biggest promoter on being open and real, and if there is one type of person I respect it is someone who is genuine, and I am sorry that I haven't been.

So here it goes: Basically for the past two months I have been completely broken/anxious/overwhelmed.  I was thinking about it today and literally on any given day I could cry, and contrary to what people believe and have seen in the past (YL placements...) I am not typically a crier.  I wish I could describe it better, but I literally can feel my heart beating out of my chest and the tears start to come when I start to really think about life, or pray, or read the bible.  I am at a point where I know how bad this world sucks, and it hurts, but I am also certain that this is exactly where God wants me.  I've wrestled with thoughts of thinking I am being "spiritually attacked" or like the enemy is up to something, which I am sure there is some truth to seeing that I am positive that my anxiety is not of the Lord; I have never been an anxious person.  I am also currently struggling with the basic concept of faith and viewing God as the Sovereign, Almighty God that He is.  It has been so hard for me to believe that He is in complete control and to ask for things accordingly, because I am fearful of disappointment.  But anyway, we are doing a Beth Moore study in small group called "Believing God" (very fitting to my life currently...ironic? probz not.)  Tonight she brought up what Jesus said to Peter in Luke 22:31-32, and I think it really relates to me and what I am experiencing.
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat.  But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."
Satan asked God for permission to uncover the weakness and sinfulness of Peter through his plan of sifting.  But Jesus didn’t ask God to spare Peter from being sifted by the devil; He asked only that in the face of the sifting that his faith may not fail. The point of Jesus’ prayer is not that Peter would not stumble or sin.  Jesus knew that Peter would struggle, but Jesus also knew that His prayer would be heard by the Father and that ultimately Peter would turn back.  His faith would not fail, and he would be able to strengthen his brothers again.

So whatever it is I am going through, I know God has allowed it to happen.  I used to be so desensitized to the brokenness, but now I really feel like God has allowed me to have a little glimpse into his heart and his eyes for the world.  However, there are definitely times where I let the discouragement and anxiety get the best of me.  I just check out, and sin and selfishness take over, I try to control my own life, and I can't see past my own little world.  But thankfully, I have been shown so much grace, so if you are someone who has loved me through this, thank you for sharing Jesus with me.  But every time this happens, I'm eventually brought back to the same answer.  I literally have nothing else.  I have absolutely nothing to offer to God or to anyone in my weakness, and I need Him.  And when I go to Him and respond to Jesus' call for me to simply come, I realize how much bigger God's world is than mine, and how much more perfect His will is than my own.

A friend shared this quote with me: "A true Christian knows the somberness and brokenness of the world but still carries an unspeakable joy around with them."
So I pray to God that I will never lose that joy, His joy.  And I trust that I won't, because Jesus Christ is my only hope, and He has prayed that my faith will not fail.

Valentine's Day!!!

Just kidding. I'm not actually gonna talk about Valentine's Day at all-I wouldn't do that. But I am gonna talk about love, the Agape kind of love :)

        I've had quite a few conversations recently about showing God we love him.  A friend asked: "At what point am I doing ministry, reading my bible, or praying because I love God or because it has become routine?" In response to this question, another friend said that when they find themselves thinking that, they think about what their life was like without God, which leads them to their realization of how they love God. After thinking about my life before Christ, I shared this with another friend who challenged me and asked if I only love God because of what He has done for me.

         At what point did I fall in love with the Lord? I think it was when I heard that He loved me for the first time ever. The reason the idea of Jesus was so attractive to me at age 16 was because I realized that He was literally the only person that I didn't have to prove anything to; that there was someone who loved me, and always did and always will love me, regardless of who I was or what I did or everything that I found my identity in.  That is why I decided I wanted to let him in and love Him back, because He loved me first.  So when I think, do I only love God because of what He has done for me...ultimately the answer is yes, because what He has done for me is love me, and "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

         Regarding how to show God we love him, someone suggested taking ourselves out of the equation.  They said don't think about what you can do for God, just think about the character of God himself, and I think that is exactly right.  What matters is that God sees me, a wretched sinner, and knows every single thing about me, and values me more than anyone on this earth ever could.  Naturally, there is NOTHING good about me, but God thinks of me as his treasured possession. "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession." (Deuteronomy 4:12) This is what sets the Lord's love apart.  And this is what I know about the Lord and His character, which fuels my love for Him.

         So I don't think there is an answer or formula to how we can show our love to God.  I currently dislike everything about formulas and structure, especially concerning my walk with the Lord because Christ has set me free and where is the freedom in that?! Anyway, I believe that the simplest response is to just think about the fact that God, the Creator of the universe and everything in it, loves ME.... that actually just made me laugh. But I know that it is true, and that is what compels me to live a life pleasing to God, or at least try to and mess up a whole lot. :)

"Always remember that God is easy to get along with, and if your heart is right, He is not too concerned about the formula. God is kind and good and gracious, because there are some of us that are just too hard to get along with.  If God were as hard to get along with as we are, there would be one perpetual quarrel between our souls and God. God has to be easy to live with, and if He knows you mean right, He will let you make all sorts of mistakes and not care."-A.W. Tozer (credz to mah gurl Joanna Rose)

Serious bomb on that one-sorry bout it!